Social Anxiety Trigger: People thinking you lack social skills

If you haven’t already, we highly recommend you first read “The psychological root cause of anxiety” before consuming the below solution. It’ll take ~1min.

You may view being called or seen as socially inept as unacceptable.

The reality is this may happen and you probably think that if it did, it’s “bad” or not ideal for one or more reasons. Maybe you’re someone who currently values being social and having social interactions that others enjoy. The key to eliminating this trigger is to realize that, yes, you don’t want to be seen as not being socially skilled, but that doesn’t mean you must get anxious or see it as unacceptable if others see you that way. Instead, you can rest in the awareness that that you know you dislike such opinions about you.

This point of view is critical because we can easily think that things we intensely hate or dislike are things we should be or get anxious about. We take the level of hate almost as a rationale or justification that the anxiety is called for and should exist. When we knowingly or unknowingly think being judged (which just means someone thinks of us a certain way) as socially inept is something we should be anxious about, our body registers this as “dangerous” and will trigger anxiety whenever we think or know someone thinks we’re socially inept.

If you’re finding it difficult to accept that to overcome or get rid of this trigger, you have to acknowledge that despite disliking it and not wanting it to happen, it’s ok if people think you aren’t socially skilled does, then you probably have 1 or more reasons (likely unconscious and unique to you) why you think you should be anxious if others think you’re socially inept. To address this, you will have to uncover these reasons so they are out in plain sight. Uncovering these reasons alone may dissolve the trigger. In other cases, uncovering these reasons will reveal what happened to you (likely in the past) that led to you tagging the thought or reality of others thinking you’re socially inept as something to be anxious about.

You may, for example, find that you think you should be anxious because the anxiety is a reminder that you dislike it. When it’s all said and done, the likely primary reason you view the idea/thought of others, thinking you’re socially inept as something you should be anxious about, is because you think the anxiety is helpful to you in some way. Because of this, you will likely have to create a new strategy or response to the thought/idea of being viewed as socially inept that doesn’t involve using anxiety. If you can see that this new approach is more effective than the anxiety, you will find it easier to give up the trigger. It’s not always straightforward what new strategy you should adopt, but we recommend that you use whatever goals you currently have to inform what you do.

Eliminating the trigger: First, remember that the top goal is to be free of anxiety. Alongside this, it’ll be important to recognize that whenever we (humans) get anxious, we get anxious for one or more reasons. We can sometimes forget this and think anxiety comes out of nowhere or that there’s no identifiable reason for why we get triggered.

In most cases, the trigger exists as a strategy to limit the number of times someone will see you as socially inept, but an often more effective strategy is to have clarity on what exactly you want to gain out of the social interactions you enter into. One of the core reasons people want to be seen as socially skilled is because they think it will help them get what they want in some way. We believe this poses an important question. Is that true? How exactly do we get what we want in life? See the link for a more in-depth answer that will help you address any misconceptions that may unknowingly be fueling your anxiety. 

To summarize that article, getting what you want is typically a result of providing something of equal or more value in exchange for what you want. Also, if the people you’re interacting with think social skills and interactions are worth more than other things you can provide with your skills, knowledge, abilities, etc, do you really want to engage with them? That’s a question that can easily be overlooked.

If you still want to engage with them and think you must be seen in a certain way to get what you want, at least you’re conscious of the dynamic. To be free of this anxiety trigger in situations where the opinions of others may impact you getting what you want, you have to ok the fact that they may see you as socially inept. If not, your body will trigger anxiety whenever you think or know they view you as socially inept. You can put your best foot forward and do everything you can, but you don’t have the ability to control everything about their mind and what they think because you don’t control the machinery of their brain. So you likely have a choice: to have internal peace or be anxious at something you dislike.

You may not need social skills to get the things you want

For example, some things can be bought with money alone. In another example, some people don’t care about social skills as much as they care more about technical skills.

When you become aware of the different perspectives shared in this solution, you can see that there are different kinds of people in the world that you may not be ideal fits for. If someone primarily cares about following certain social rules over things you think matter, you will likely find it difficult to work with them. You may be better served finding people who value what you can or have to offer beyond social skills alone.

Recommended reads for overcoming social anxiety (link)

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