Note: This also addresses the challenge of sharing something and not knowing if it will be helpful.
“‘Making sense” in this solution means someone understands what you’re saying
One key to addressing this trigger is to realize that something “making sense” may depend on more than just what you have to share or say. For example, someone who doesn’t have a similar base of knowledge as you may not have the background to understand certain things you share.
When others can’t understand you, you may think that means you’re “dumb”, “stupid”, or “unintelligent.” If so, is there a reason you are making such a conclusion? Oftentimes, words like “dumb,” “stupid,” and “unintelligent” are words we (all humans) unknowingly use to label certain actions and behaviors we think we should feel bad about or want to avoid.
The often unconscious way of thinking that we (humans) should feel bad about certain things is often learned from outside sources. If such thinking is learned, it can also be unlearned.
Why someone may not understand you
Someone may not understand you because they don’t have the necessary knowledge or experience. Other times, your explanation or delivery could have been improved. That shows you’re an imperfect human being who can learn from the experience. This is important to note because it can be easy to take an imperfection to mean something more than what it is, an imperfection.
If you’re in a situation that doesn’t allow for imperfections, that environment may not be right for you at the moment. This could change in the future after you gain more experience and skills.
Overcoming the trigger
To overcome this trigger, you have to be ok with the fact that you may say something that other people may think “doesn’t make sense.” If you view that as unacceptable, you will continue having an anxiety trigger whenever you’re in a situation that may result in you sharing something that may not make sense to others.
Being ok with not making sense to others will likely require you to stop thinking that people not understanding you means something about you (ex: that you’re stupid, dumb, incompetent). Check out this solution if you struggle with an intelligence insecurity or the fear of looking stupid.
At times, you may have high confidence that what you’re going to share will be helpful, and in other cases, you may be unsure. When you’re unsure, you can reflect on what goals you’re trying to achieve in the situation or interaction you’re in. With awareness of your goals, you can evaluate whether what you’re considering sharing will help you achieve them. You can also determine if it’s something you truly want to share. If it’s something you think you should share but you don’t really want to, the uncertainty and discomfort you experience are often feedback that you’re doing something you don’t really want to do.
Get clear on what ‘helpful’ means
It often helps to clearly define what ‘helpful’ means. Better yet, how can you know what someone will find helpful? You can do this by following the below strategy:
- Ask the receiver if they’re ok sharing goals or the end state they’re trying to achieve and if they’re ok receiving advice. You can share that you think you have suggestions that’ll help them reach their goal(s).
- Note: If you’re upfront with the type of help you want to give and why, you’ll likely eliminate concerns that you have ulterior motives. Being upfront tends to increase someone’s willingness to listen to your advice.
- After understanding his/her goals, you can reassess if your advice will help the receiver achieve them. If so, it’ll probably benefit the receiver if you share your advice. If the advice doesn’t align with the receiver’s goals, you’ll have to decide what you want to do.
- When external advice aligns with someone’s goals, the receiver is more likely to be more receptive to your suggestion(s).
