Audio solution:
Recognize that everyone doesn’t share the same definition of what self-esteem means. One group of psychology professionals define self-esteem as “…your subjective sense of overall personal worth or value. Similar to self-respect, it describes your level of confidence in your abilities and attributes(1).”
If you find this definition helpful, that’s great, but we’ve found it more beneficial to reflect on why exactly you want a high level of self-esteem. The definition above would mean that someone who hasn’t had the ability to practice or train in certain domains of life probably have low self-esteem because they haven’t had the time to build up abilities to be confident in. That definition implies that everyone will have low self-esteem at some point in time.
Those that want high self-esteem often feel bad about themselves because they dislike the current state of who they are. They have idealized versions or unrealized goals and take the gap between where they are now as a reason to feel bad or unhappy. We submit to you that the subset of people who don’t think in that manner have more internal peace and, as a byproduct, improve themselves more quickly in pursuit of their goals.
Understanding self-esteem
Self-esteem is a word to describe the psychological phenomenon of someone being ok or happy about their current state of being. The reality is we (humans) aren’t perfect and may not like our current state of being, but that doesn’t mean we have to feel bad about being in an undesirable state. Rather, we can acknowledge that we dislike our current state and take action to change it however we please. This way of thinking is more beneficial than wondering about or chasing high self-esteem. The true psychological benefits people want from ‘high self-esteem’ is likely to be at peace with themselves which can be achieved by adopting the mindset shifts shared above.
Summary
You don’t need a high self-esteem, you just need to be be ok with your current state of being even when you dislike it. You can dislike your current state of being without feeling bad or unhappy about it. This way of thinking is what the stoics preach. Neutrality.
Note: You may feel physically bad if you engage in activities that spike dopamine levels, like drugs or porn. Some people dislike how they feel after partaking in these activities and unknowingly view their unpleasant feelings as a reason to feel bad about themselves. Because of how the body naturally works, it is perhaps unavoidable that you will feel physically unpleasant after partaking in dopamine-spiking activities, but it’s important to not view the physical unpleasantness as a reason to feel bad.
Yes, you may have done something you wish you didn’t, but you have to stop there and use the physical unpleasantness as data of the consequences you’ll naturally face when you fall short of a certain way you’d like to be. You will eventually dislike the physical consequences so much that changing your behavior will become easier over time.
(1) https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-esteem-2795868
Root cause limiting beliefs you may have to dismantle:
- “Something is wrong with me”
- “I’m Flawed”
- There are inferior people
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