One of the keys to overcoming low self-confidence is to define what you mean by low self-confidence. This is important because how one person uses the word ‘confidence’ often differs from how someone else uses it.
For some, confidence means believing you can achieve a goal you have. For others, confidence means you believe you can do anything. Others think confidence means knowing what to do in a current or future situation.
People also use the words confidence/confident to describe observable behaviors, such as setting a boundary, showing a lack of fear or anxiety, or standing up for oneself when treated in a way one dislikes.
Knowing what you mean when you say you have low confidence allows you to address the root cause.
When confidence means knowing how to do something
If you think confidence means you know how to do something, that confidence has to come from having the abilities or understanding to achieve your desired outcome.
If you lack the capabilities to complete your goal, then, by your definition, you have low self-confidence. What can happen is you unknowingly take that lack of confidence, which is really a skill/knowledge gap, as a reason to feel bad about yourself. This unconscious process is one of the root reasons why people say they have low confidence.
What is overlooked is that you don’t have to feel bad because you don’t have the confidence to do something. Instead, you can dislike the fact that you don’t have the desired confidence, identify what you need to do to upskill yourself, and take action to address the skill gaps you identified.
With this approach, your confidence will build with the grain of time. For your physical and mental health, we recommend maintaining internal peace as you build your confidence by letting go of the idea that you have to feel bad about yourself whenever you lack the confidence to do something.
Confidence that you’ll figure it out
Humans are imperfect so it’s practically impossible for someone’s confidence to come from knowing how to do everything. It is, however, possible to have confidence that you will do everything in your power to figure it out. This type of confidence comes when you are chasing after things you genuinely care about and want to achieve.
If you ever lack confidence that you can figure something out, take a moment to reflect on whether you’re chasing after something you truly want. You may find that you don’t really care about the goal but think you should. If it’s a goal you actually care about, consider breaking up your goal into smaller subgoals until it’s a goal you feel more comfortable about tackling. If you want help with this, let us know.
Lack of fear or anxiety
If your definition of confidence means you don’t have fear or anxiety, then the root cause of your low-confidence comes from the fears and anxiety triggers you have. The more you eliminate those fears and anxiety triggers, the more confident you will be. For help eliminating fears and anxiety, we recommend you view our anxiety and social anxiety prescriptions. Feel free to contact us or leave a comment if you have any questions or want additional help. We may also, in the future, release a dedicated community where people can help one another handle social situations.
Not being anxious around others
For some, confidence means not experiencing anxiety when around or interacting with others. If you define confidence this way, building your confidence will require you to take note, find, and eliminate the root cause of the different anxiety triggers you experience. Our social anxiety prescription will help you do this work. We also have a dedicated resource to help you eliminate anxiety triggers.
Fixing low self-confidence
Get to a psychological state where you no longer think or believe you should feel bad, regardless of what you do, whatever happens to you, what other people say about you, or however unpleasant a situation you’re in is. Some people call this way of living and thinking self-compassion or radical acceptance. To achieve this state, you have to address the thinking patterns and beliefs that cause you to feel bad in certain situations. Note: Some of these thinking patterns and beliefs may be unconscious. You can use our discussion forums and solutions to uncover and dismantle these beliefs.
What about uncertainty?
Many humans dislike uncertainty which is why we (humans) tend to like things that provide certainty. What you must keep in mind is that everyone is a human. Humans have falsely been predicting the future, like when the world would end, with “confidence.”
We recommend you keep this in mind when evaluating whether anyone can provide 100% certainty. Some of the world’s most profitable businesses admit they can’t provide certainty. For example, Amazon tells its customers that it will be of service to them 99.99% of the time, but not 100%.
It may be impossible to eliminate all uncertainty, but it’s possible to maintain internal peace amid it.
If you reflect, you’ll probably find that you label individuals who keep their peace in times of uncertainty as “confident.” To become like this, you must recognize that you don’t have to be anxious or feel bad about yourself whenever you are uncertain or in a state of uncertainty. Instead, you can dislike the uncertainty with as much intensity as you’d like and use whatever goals you have to decide what to do next. Note: Uncertainty is sometimes the result of a lack of knowledge or skills. When that is the case, uncertainty will dissipate when you do the work to address those gaps.
Watch for people who use uncertainty against you
Some institutions or people will knowingly or intentionally want you to believe that being uncertain is “bad,” unacceptable, or something to be fearful about. Is there any benefit to feeling bad about uncertainty? You can know you want to shift out of a state of uncertainty without feeling bad about it.
You may, at times, lack the motivation to address uncertainty you’re facing. Some people may view this lack of motivation as “bad” and something you must correct. You may, at times, give in to these outside opinions and unknowingly make yourself feel bad as a way to motivate yourself to change. Additionally, you may not allow yourself to be free of this emotional pain until you address the source of the uncertainty. This thinking assumes that not addressing uncertainty is unacceptable for one or more reasons. This thinking also ignores that you may not have the time or resources to address certain uncertainties because you are focused on other things.
In some of our other solutions and the “We can only improve so many things at once” article, we share how businesses and people often have to select a small set of priorities to focus their time and energy on. If a certain kind of uncertainty doesn’t fall within your top priorities, it’s unlikely you’ll have the motivation to address it right now. That doesn’t mean you won’t have the motivation to address it in the future.
Some people think confidence comes from thinking you’re better than others.
If you are an individual who deep down doesn’t agree with this kind of thinking, confidence may be tough for you to build. Fortunately, you don’t have to live by that definition of confidence, which some call arrogance. The world, in some cases, encourages arrogance because it often goes unchallenged.
Some people believe they are fundamentally better than others because of things they were born with, have, or do. In our solution to dismantling the belief that “Some people are better than others,” we explain why no human can determine that one person is fundamentally better than another. That judgment is almost always based on a human opinion of some sort, not fact.
Note: The solution to arrogance is to recognize and challenge it when it tries to overstep and do something you consider unfair to you. For help on this, we encourage you to leave a comment or join the social skills group (coming soon!) to handle different social situations. As always, we are here as a resource.
