You may desire to never have someone form a negative opinion of you, but cannot dictate or control the opinions other people form. Why? You don’t control the brain machinery or beliefs of others. You can influence these opinions based on what you say and do, but the final opinion is ultimately up to them and whatever their brain forms.
In the “Not doing things that are commonly seen or expected of you” solution, we saw that some humans think there is a rule book that all humans should follow. If you don’t believe in that rule book, it is possible and perhaps likely that those people are more likely to have a negative opinion of you. In fact, what is a negative opinion? When people say “negative opinion,” they are often referring to labels or descriptions that people classify as “bad” and should be avoided. As a result, some of us knowingly or unknowingly think we should feel bad whenever we or someone else has a negative opinion of us. We sometimes allow ourselves to feel bad even if we disagree with the reasons why someone has a negative opinion of us.
Overcoming this trigger
To overcome this trigger, we have to realize that what usually matters at the end of the day is our goals. Unless we have a goal of “No one should have a negative opinion of me” then there may be times when we can safely ignore opinions because they have no impact on achieving our goals. If you think a negative opinion from someone else will or does impact your ability to achieve a goal, then we encourage you to verify if your assumption is correct. We (humans) sometimes believe getting what we want depends on what people think of us, but if you have or can offer something that other people want or need, then they probably won’t care about past or current opinions they have of you.
Another thing to realize is that you may unknowingly view certain opinions from others as a valid reason to feel bad or unhappy. You may do this as a way to remind yourself that you don’t want people to have negative opinions of you or that you want to be the type of person who doesn’t generate negative opinions. You may also feel bad at certain opinions because deep down you don’t agree or believe in the negative opinion the other person(s) has.
If being anxiety free with internal peace is your goal, then you don’t have to view other people having or potentially forming a negative opinion of you as a reason to feel bad or anxious.
If you think someone formed a negative opinion of you for a valid reason, then you can take steps to correct whatever mistakes you made, but you can correct things without viewing your mistakes a reason to feel bad. We (humans) sometimes think feeling bad is the “human” thing to do, or if we didn’t feel bad, we wouldn’t change ourselves to avoid making the same mistake, but is that true?
Why you don’t have to feel bad to change or improve
Until proven otherwise, everything has consequences. Because of this, there is usually an immediate or long-term consequence or impact to any decision we make. Since you want what you want, you will make decisions that optimize your chances of getting what you want–if you care about your interests.
Do you have to feel bad to make such decisions? Some people may disagree with your decisions, but remember that you’re a unique being. What is sometimes overlooked in society is that people don’t always want the same things because because every human is unique. If your decisions are leading to consequences you dislike, that often provides a big enough reason for you to eventually change or at least consider changing your decisions and decision-making process.
Some people try to make you feel bad as motivations
You may find that some people will call you names to make you feel bad so you will feel motivated to make a change. At times, the change they want to see will benefit them in some way. Sometimes, that change is something we naturally want to make, while in other cases, it’s not. This tactic by others works when we believe that we have to make a change whenever we feel bad about something. It also works because we think there are certain situations that we should feel bad about when labeled certain things. If you choose internal peace, then you will no longer view negative opinions or name calling as a reason to feel bad.
There may be cases when other people want you to make changes that you don’t really want to make. If the change they want from you isn’t going to help you get what you want, why would you be motivated to do it? These kinds of people who want something from you may not understand or follow the principle of fair exchange and may be prioritizing their interests over yours. If you’re both human beings, why aren’t both of your interests equally important? When your interests aren’t equally considered, you’ll probably be less motivated to do what they want from you.
If you have a goal to never have a negative opinion formed of you
Why? Until proven otherwise, you have reasons why this is a goal. There’s a chance this isn’t a goal you set out for yourself but its an adopted goal from someone you currently or used to admire. We say this because how does this goal benefit you? Do you not naturally want what you want? Does this goal (no one having negative opinions of you) help you get what you want?
Sometimes, yes, but there are often more effective strategies for getting what you want than trying to avoid people having a negative opinion of you. Look at how many celebrities and people in the public eye have people speaking negatively about them. If those people can’t prevent having negative opinions formed of them but are still getting things they want and that others prefer, it’s possible to get what we want despite people having negative opinions of us. We find it interesting that Elon Musk, the richest man in the world at the time, said, “I have no issue being liked….being liked is a weakness” in a New York Times interview(4:56-6:17).
No one can know your true intentions and how you think
Because of this, some of your actions may be taken the wrong way or misinterpreted. It’s up to you to realize that you don’t have to take those misinterpretations as reasons to feel bad. We put forward that again, what matters is your goals. If these misinterpretations have no impact on your goals, there is likely little value in caring about them. If their misinterpretations impact your ability to achieve your goals, then you can address the situation if you’d like. It may not be ideal for misinterpretations to impact your goals, but you don’t have to view this as a reason to be anxious or feel bad. Without this point of view, people forming negative opinions of you will continue to trigger your anxiety or make you feel bad.
If you’re asking, why would I view anything as a reason to feel bad, we suggesr you read the anxiety paradox.
Recommended reads for overcoming social anxiety (link)
There’s more
If you struggle with low self-esteem, self-consciousness, low self-worth, or low self-confidence we encourage you to view our self-help solutions for these and other common psychological challenges.
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