By self-conscious, we mean thoughts like “Do I look comfortable,” “I look uncomfortable,” or “I don’t sound confident or socially skilled.”
Self-consciousness is feedback
In a perfect world, whenever you or anyone speaks, it’s for an objective reason. If you’re ever speaking for no reason or because you think you have to or should, you may get self-conscious because you don’t have an internal reason for why you’re talking.
Self-consciousness can also be an indication that you aren’t focused on a goal you truly care about. For example, you may be interacting with people you really trust or want to be around. Or, you may have an unconscious goal to always be seen favorably by others. Only you’ll know if that desire is fulfilling and beneficial to you. Such goals are often instilled in us by social media or upbringings in which social status seemed to be the most important thing in life.
It can be helpful to remember that some environments value other things like knowledge, skills, and emotional intelligence over social status.
So, although being self-conscious is rarely desired, you can use moments of self-consciousness to check yourself and ask,
- Am I speaking because I actually want to?
- Am I speaking for a particular reason or just talking to talk?
- Am I focusing on my goals and what I want out of this situation or on something else?”
You don’t have to share everything about yourself
You may have aspects of yourself that you find interesting but don’t truly care to share or explain to others. You may be uncomfortable with this reality, but it will be helpful to know that any rules you’ve read or think exist around what you should and shouldn’t share with others were created by humans, just like you. You can use your personal goals, desires, and what you’re comfortable sharing, to determine how you conversate with others.
The opinions of others and getting what you want
You may sometimes get self-conscious when you think being seen in a certain way is important for getting what you want. If you truly have to be seen a certain way that doesn’t involve hard work, skills, or something that requires effort, you can reevaluate if what you’re after is something you truly want.
Depending on your life goals and personality, things that rely heavily on what people think rather than on other attributes, like technical skills, knowledge, and emotional intelligence, may not be the right fit for you.
Trying or feeling pressure to speak a certain way
There may be several reasons why this happens, but you may unknowingly think you have to deliver or speak in a certain way. You may be unaware that you think this way.
You may view not speaking in the way you think is required as unacceptable. Because of this, whenever you doubt you can reliably speak in this special way, you may get anxious or self-conscious.
Feeling like you have to speak a certain way
Other times, you may get self-conscious when someone is asking or expecting you to speak, but deep down, you don’t really want to.
There are people who suggest that you should always express yourself, but why? You may have been in situations where someone is talking, but their thoughts aren’t advancing the discussion or the group’s goal. People are imperfect, so this can happen. This just means the message’s content isn’t helping the group. People don’t always self-check if what they plan to say will advance the goals of the environment they’re in.
If you self-assess and don’t think what you could share is worth sharing, you’ll likely be less motivated to share your opinion. This shows that, in certain situations, there are reasons you don’t want to share your thoughts or opinions.
There may be times when other people assume or strongly encourage you to say something. You can either politely tell them you’d prefer not to speak or respond however you’d like. Leave a comment if you’d like to brainstorm ways to respond.
Recommended reads for overcoming social anxiety
There’s more
If you struggle with low self-esteem, self-consciousness, low self-worth, or low self-confidence, we encourage you to view our self-help solutions for these and other common psychological challenges.
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