Getting self-conscious when interacting with others

By self-conscious, we mean thoughts like “Do I look comfortable,” “I look uncomfortable,” or “I don’t sound confident or socially skilled.”

Self-consciousness is feedback

In a perfect world, whenever you or anyone speaks, you do so for an objective reason. If you find yourself speaking for no reason or because you think you have to or should, you may get self-conscious because you don’t have an internal reason why you’re talking.

Self-consciousness can also be feedback that you aren’t focused on a goal we truly care about that requires time and effort. You may have an unconscious goal to always be seen favorably by others, but only you will know if that pursuit is fulfilling and emotionally helpful. Such goals are often planted in us from social media or from an upbringing where social status seemed to be the most important thing in life.

It can be helpful to remember that there are environments where social status is less important than other things, like knowledge, skills, and emotional intelligence.

So although being self-conscious is rarely desired, you can use moments of self-consciousness to check yourself and ask,

• Am I speaking because I actually want to?
• Am I speaking for a particular or just talking to talk?
• Am I focusing on my goals and what I want out of this situation or on something else?”

You don’t have to share everything about yourself

You may have aspects of yourself that you find interesting but don’t truly care to share or explain to others. You may be uncomfortable with this reality, but it will be helpful to know that any rules you’ve read or think exist about what you should and shouldn’t share with others were created by humans like you and me. Since you know your personal goals and what you’re comfortable with, you can use that awareness to determine what you choose to do.

The opinions of others and getting what you want

You may sometimes get self-conscious because being seen in a certain way is important for you to get what you want. If that is truly the case, you can reevaluate if what you’re after is something you truly want. Depending on your life goals and personality, things that heavily rely upon what people think instead of other attributes like technical skills, knowledge, and emotional intelligence that take time and effort to build, may not be the right fit for you.

Trying to speak a certain way

There may be several reasons why this happens, but an often core reason is thinking you have to deliver or speak in a certain way. You may be unaware that you think this way.

Whenever you doubt you can reliably speak in this special way, you may unconsciously/unknowingly view that as unacceptable. Other times, you may get self-conscious because although someone is asking or expecting you to speak, deep down, you don’t really want to.

There are people who suggest that you should always express yourself but why? You may have been in situations where someone is talking, but their thoughts aren’t helping advance the goal of the discussion or group. People are imperfect, so this can happen. This doesn’t mean the person isn’t of value, but that the content of the message at that point in time is not helping others in the group. People don’t always self-check if what they plan to say will advance the goals of the environment they’re in.

If you self-assess and determine that what you have to share isn’t that important, you will likely be less motivated to share your opinion. This shows that in certain situations, there are valid reasons why you don’t like or want to share your thoughts or opinions.

There may be times when other people assume or strongly encourage you to say something. You can either politely tell them you’d prefer not to speak or respond in some other way you find appropriate. To brainstorm ways to respond, we encourage you to leave a comment.

Recommended reads for overcoming social anxiety (link)

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