Social Anxiety Solution: Sharing Something Without Knowing if it Makes Sense

Note: This also addresses the challenge of sharing something and not knowing if it will be helpful.

“‘Making sense” in this solution means someone understands what you’re saying

One of the keys to addressing this trigger is to realize that something “making sense” may involve more than just what you have to share or say. For example, someone who doesn’t have similar knowledge and understanding as you may not have the background to understand certain things you share. When others can’t understand you, you may think that means you’re dumb, stupid, or unintelligent. If so, is there a reason you are making such a conclusion? Oftentimes, words like “dumb,” “stupid,” and “unintelligent” are words we (all humans) unknowingly use to label certain actions and behaviors we think we should feel bad about or avoid. These loaded words are often overlooked but are a source of a lot of pain and anxiety.

The often known way of thinking that we (humans) think we should feel bad about certain things, is often learned from outside sources. If such thinking is learned, then it can also be unlearned. 

Why someone may not understand you

Someone may not understand you because they don’t have the knowledge or experience. Other times, your explanation or delivery could have room for improvement but that only suggests that you’re an imperfect human being. This is important to note because we sometimes take our imperfection to mean something more than what it is, imperfection.

If you’re in a situation that doesn’t allow for such imperfection, that environment may not be right for you at the moment. This could change in the future after you gain more experience and skills. 

Overcoming the trigger

To overcome this trigger you have to be ok with the fact that you may say something that other people may think “doesn’t make sense.” If you view that as unacceptable, you will continue having an anxiety trigger whenever you’re in a situation that may result in you sharing something that may not make sense to others.

Being ok with people not making sense of something you share will likely require you to stop thinking that people not understanding you or you saying something that could be improved means something about you (ex, stupid, dumb, incompetent). We encourage you to read the 2-minute “How labeling something as unacceptable puts you at risk” article if you’d like more details on understanding and getting rid of this trigger. 

At times, you may have high confidence that what you’re going to share will be helpful, and in other cases, you may be unsure. When you’re unsure, yo can reflect on what goals you’re trying to achieve in the situation or interaction you’re in. With awareness of your goals, you can then evaluate if what you’re thinking of sharing will help you achieve those goals and if it’s something you truly desire to share. If it’s something you think you should but don’t want really want to share due to outside expectations and opinions, the uncertainty and discomfort you experience is often feedback that you’re doing something you don’t really want to do.

Get clear on what helpful means?

It often helps to clearly define what helpful means. Better yet, how can you know what someone will find helpful? You can do this by following the below strategy:

1. Ask the receiver if they’re ok sharing goals or the end state they’re trying to realize and if they’re ok receiving advice because you think you have suggestions that’ll help them reach their goal
2. Note: If you’re upfront with the type of help you want to give and why, you’ll likely eliminate concerns that you have ulterior motives. Doing this tends to increase someone’s willingness to listen to your advice.
3. After understanding their goals, you can reassess if your advice will help the receiver achieve them. If so, it’ll probably benefit the receiver if you share your advice, but if the advice doesn’t align with the receiver’s goals, you’ll have to decide what you want to do. If you still want to say something, we recommend at the very least, that you acknowledge that the advice may not align with their goals.
4. When external advice aligns with someone’s goals, the receiver will likely see this and understand how the suggestion will help them achieve their desired outcome/goal.